Choosing to Rejoice

The weeping willow tree in Uncle John & Aunt Jeanne's backyard.

This morning is the first time I've "done nothing" since Dad's funeral. I could feel the grief setting in even as I drove home from the airport last night. Having my aunt here was a brief diversion, a welcome one, but I knew the sadness would have to be faced. I cranked up Need To Breathe and just let myself cry as I drove around the mountains.

This morning is a little more complicated. There are kids to feed, chores awaiting my attention. There are things on the agenda. But I just need a few minutes to process more.

I missed a few vital opportunities for closure while I was in Michigan. Some regrets are nagging at me. I didn't place anything in Dad's casket... It happened before I was ready, they shut his casket at the beginning of the funeral. I didn't really want to look at his body again, but I did want to put the kid's notes in there and I missed it. Also, I had a roll of King's Mints that he should have had. Aurelia loves mints so she started eating them.

I think my dad would tell me not to fret. The memories are for me. So I can choose what to do now. I think I should choose not to regret anything. I can bury the notes, but better to keep them as a precious memory of the kids loving their Grandpa. Oh, they really loved him. As Aurelia eats the King's Mints I can choose whether to "regret" that we didn't bury them with Dad or I can "rejoice" that she is a mint eater like Grandpa Gerrit. My dad would say, "Let her eat the mints."

There was so much more I wanted to share with Dad.

If I had had more time to plan for a scripture to read at the funeral, here is what I would have added to my eulogy. But since I didn't, and since Dad is already in the Presence of God, this scripture is for me.

This is what I rejoice in today, thinking about my Dad:

"The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.
He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;
he does not treat us as our sins deserve, or repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust."
Psalm 103: 8-14

At Fort Custer

Lifting My Eyes- True Confessions

I lift up my eyes to the hills-

Where does my help come from?

Never a shortage of views here.

For months I've put off writing and posting because I didn't want to wallow. But I was wallowing. 

Homesickness, winter blues, loneliness, selfishness, you name it. 

I didn't post my last draft because it contained complaining, egads.

It really comes down to what my friend Tiffany said at CC one day when I confessed I had been "faking it" while being so nauseated in early pregnancy during the (awful) months of February and March. 

"Why are you faking it?" Tiffany (and the Lord) asked.

Here it is. Wait for it...

I just don't want anyone to know I'm a fake. 

My good friend Rebekah says that it's the first six months in a new place that just plain stink, (I'm keeping this rated G but I have another word for it.) Maybe I'm about over the "stinky" time.

Maybe it's because I'm finally pregnant after several years of wanting a baby and I'm just so happy about it.

Maybe it's because I'm starting to find myself enveloped in the love of old and new friends and I can't hold them off any longer.

Maybe it's because I'm starting to peel off another layer of dishonesty about myself. I hope that's the case.

Look, people, I really did want to be in Alaska again, we've dreamed about returning here for years. This is a beautiful place to be, and I am learning to appreciate it, one excruciating winter month at a time. 

Eagle River, March 2013
If I'm going to be truthful, I have to confess that this life of constant transition is not the lifestyle I would have chosen for myself. 
It has been painful, at times excruciatingly so. And I've had it pretty easy compared to most military wives. EASY.

Hug, pray for, bring a meal, do something for the military wife you know. This week. Today.

Other than learning to run to the Rock of my Salvation, I don't know how I could have survived it- dare I say, thrived in it- for my entire married life (read: adulthood.)

Slowly, I am learning. Little by little, spring is coming, and I am learning to lift my eyes. I look up, away from myself. I look up to the One who watches over, who keeps tabs on the seasons and knows all of mine. Stop looking for what I'm missing somewhere else and start looking for what I might be missing, right here.

Winter doesn't last forever, even in Alaska. 

My help comes from the Lord, 

the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip-

he who watches over you will not slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you-

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day, 

nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm-

he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going

both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121 (NIV) 

In the Orbit: or, The Holding Pattern

Eric is almost finished training. He needs two more flights, then we can be released to travel. We're praying that we can have grace for whatever the outcome is... pray for us, please.

Friday, our last household goods were packed up. We are officially living out of suitcases until we arrive in the Last Frontier. I actually felt lighter when the "stuff" that was crammed in our apartment was gone, knowing that to be a sign of readiness. Prepare for liftoff...

We have reservations for the Alaska Marine Highway System, but in order for us to keep those reservations, Eric's flights must take place this week- or we will have to reschedule the trip.

Which, in the grand scheme of life, really doesn't matter all that much, because we can make it happen a week (or two) later if we have to. But the fact is, being in a holding pattern is by nature temporary, and we are so ready to start our "new life."

We hold this pattern until given permission to "land" and we will be content with that. Until then, we plan. Plan A is in effect... until further notice.

And, in the mean time, we are so thankful for the time we've spent in the land of deep roots (Oklahoma.) Our dear friends here have refreshed us by keeping their hearts open to us while we've been here.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith." 2 Timothy 4:7

Saturday was our first ever family fun run, and we all completed the one mile track to support the Edmond Fine Arts Institute.

Today was probably our last Sunday at Bridgeway Church in OKC. What a blessing to have "jumped in" to this body of believers for the summer! It felt like home, brothers and sisters! Which is saying alot, considering our kids are very shy at first, and they have enjoyed it, whether they were in the Kids Church, or participating with us in "Big People" service. Today, Ethan surprised me at lunch by saying, "Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be one of those guys up there doing the worship."

We are so thankful for all of you Okies. We especially loved the Backroom reunion of the "old" housechurch from 2005! Love and thanks to the Litz, Young, Meyer, Crawford, Coate, and Slater families!!! (Next time, we MUST TAKE PICTURES!)

Just a Plain Old Update

Good morning! Here we are in our little house on Tinker Air Force Base, enjoying (close) togetherness with a dash of limbo. This entry comes from my "Homeschool Journal" which is where I store my thoughts, plans and results of our home education adventure. It's time for an update.

My children are not explorers or adventurers by nature. They are tinkerers, creators, performers (in private) and writers. Most of their play-acting is done with the help of Lego Star Wars characters. I have to drag them away from their scenarios to learn anything new or to go anywhere. (Click this link to see Aurelia's blog on Lego creations.)

For me, this can be a problem because my imagination is not as active as it once was.  Most novels I've picked up this summer have bored me; and I've found the most solace in prayer, Bible reading, and creative arts. Not that I've produced anything much, but I've researched:

• gardening
• repurposing, reusing, repainting, decorating on a dime
• watercolor for beginners
• dog behavior
• Biblical womanhood
• home arts and organization

Some, though not all of these have been inspired by Pinterest, though the research has been done mostly in library books. I've had to compete to use our one laptop PC, which is always in high demand. Now I find myself taking notes on ideas and plans for our Alaskan home. Such as, how to retain heat in your home:

• hang fleece behind your curtains
• double up on rugs
• replace heater filters promptly
• wear sweaters!(wool, preferably)
• use a natural humidifier (a pot with a partially open lid, full of water, simmering on the stove)
• hang wet laundry indoors, to dry until damp, before placing in the dryer (this also conserves energy) 
• close doors to rooms or floors when not in use

I'm finding my little study in home economy to be fascinating. It's been freeing to realize the thrift of our forebearers keeps us from poverty in it's many forms and frees us up to find beauty in the mundane. But I digress.

In the meantime, my well-laid plans for "doing school" have gone untouched with the exception of a few reading lessons for Ethan. He's progressing well. Once Eric told me that he didn't think we should push school right now, I felt released and relieved. The guilt of doing nothing has almost totally passed, and I only feel foolish for toting the heavy box of summer "resources" with us.

The large item I'm not sorry I brought, however, is the keyboard, and though my dear second daughter seems to be losing interest, it has been good to hear them play, at least maintaining their skills. Eric bought a book of worship anthems for the piano, and I love hearing dear eldest daughter playing "Jesus, Name Above All Names."

We go to the libraries weekly, both the dinky Tinker library and the Midwest City Metropolitan, where I remember visiting back during Eric's first training in 1999. I defy anyone to keep up with eldest daughter's book reading. I certainly can't do it! At night we alternate between reading aloud Prince Caspian and On the Banks of Plum Creek. We're almost done with them.

The reading, swimming when we can stand the sunny heat, assorted field trips and Science Museum passes, weekend trips, and watching the Olympics , are making for a rather enjoyable summer break. As I am realizing, writing this, I have so much to be thankful for.

For this fall, we have almost certainly decided to use Sonlight curriculum for the girls (Core F, for them combined, plus Latin American Spanish) while Ethan and Crista will continue with Classical Conversations Foundations Program (Cycle One). CC has become familiar, like those the comfortable walking shoes that take you places while being supportive. I don't know if that's the best metaphor, but I've realized that Foundations works best over the long range. The cycles are meant to be repeated through twice, at least, and the second or third go around is when you will reap the most reward. I certainly saw this reward last year when my girls repeated Cycle 3 for the third time. So I'm excited to tutor Cycle One for the first time ever, knowing that my 1st grader will reap the rewards... when he's in 4th grade! Sweet second daughter may not remember more than a few history sentences from the year we used Cycle One at home (no CC group, and she was PreK.) The second time Cycle One came around was when the girls were in (gasp) public school. Why I did not have them review it at home is beyond me!? Maybe I was too busy helping them do homework.

"There's no great loss without some small gain." Part II

My dear family, in Laura & Almanzo's front yard, Rocky Ridge Farm, Missouri

Now that we had returned to Oklahoma after a bittersweet segue to Michigan, we planned to enjoy a shorter road trip to the home of Laura and Almanzo Wilder in Mansfield, Missouri. I've quoted Ma Ingalls in my last blog because she's been on my mind lately, since we are reading On the Banks of Plum Creek as a family each night (alternated by Eric reading Prince Caspian.)

Caroline Ingalls intrepidly battled fear and famine in the isolated, cramped quarters of a dugout, an underground house. I can't help but look at her example and wonder if I would have been able to thrive in her circumstances when I struggle to be content in my cushy one-bedroom apartment on base. I may be a bit cramped, but I certainly am not isolated. And seriously, I have air conditioning! And free washers & dryers! I'm still spoiled beyond what my pioneer heroes would have believed.

I've been bugging Eric for this trip since I knew we would be in Oklahoma and he was very sweet about keeping the kids occupied so I could pour over ever detail of the museum and grounds. There was a little walking involved, and lots of neat details, my favorite being Pa's fiddle, which is practically a character itself in the Little House series.

This trip to the tiny town of Mansfield would have to be one of the "small gain" I have reaped from the loss of my home and comfort in Florida. As one friend put it, "If you gotta move several thousand miles away, make it a huge field trip, that's what I say."

Another treat for our family was staying in a cozy cabin at Mansfield Woods with all the amenities except TV and Internet! We weren't camping but you would have thought that we were really roughing it! "What, no Wii???" After exploring the Laura Ingalls Wilder Historic Home & Museum, we made our first ever family campfire (without the Gavilan boys' help) near the cabin and made S'mores.

The next morning we explored Hicks Cave, where Rose Wilder reportedly had to be rescued. The girls really loved this cave. It was such a beautiful, "untouched" place, unlike the only other cave they've explored at Carlsbad Caverns National Park, NM. Eric led this expedition because I wanted to stay out and journal, so they went as far as they could until immersion was unavoidable. Too bad we didn't have any more change of clothes, or they might have gone farther!

My adventurers! Hicks Cave, Missouri

Maybe these city kids will learn to survive in the wilderness of Alaska! We sure are going to have fun trying! This summer's planned and unplanned trips are certainly teaching us flexibility and resilience.

"There's no great loss without some small gain"

There has been alot to blog about the last couple weeks, but I just haven't had the heart to write.

My grandfather, "Opa" Dutch, passed away on June 26th to a bout of pneumonia. He was 84. We were all able to visit Michigan for the services and mini-family-reunion that occured as a result of his passing. There was just so much to think about surrounding his passing that I really don't think I could do it justice here. I don't even know how much I've processed, or if I ever will. To me, he's still alive, just in a different, unspeakably brilliant Place.

But as Ma Ingalls said, "There's no great loss without some gain" and I know the gain was some special times with my family. First of all, I was able to trek to Michigan with my brother John, so we had about 30 hours from Tulsa (where he flew to meet me) to Grand Rapids and back to talk. We caught up on the fourteen years since I had married and moved out. Thankfully, Mom was able to get to Michigan from the Middle East also.

We visited with my Dad and Sandi as well. It was comforting and sweet to see so many loved ones.

The Little House on Tinker Air Force Base

"Home Sweet Hotel Room"

Well, here we are in Oklahoma City, on Tinker Air Force Base. We are finally what I would call "settled," and it has taken me a week to prepare to blog about it.

There is just so much going on in my head and heart, I almost didn't know how to process it all and anyways, processing takes time. I will say this, though. I cried when we drove down Interstate 40 when we passed the Tinker exits and Rose State College because it was just so familiar. And right now, I'm desperate for "familiar." We miss our Florida "family" so much!

We spent a lovely first week house-sitting for some close Okie friends, in a beautiful, spacious home in the outskirts of the city. We had fun playing in their pool and feeding their chickens... so when we arrived to our little "Temporary Living Facility" or TLF, I found myself having to adjust my expectations. A bit.

It's a mess this morning, but you can see what we're workin' with.

We were tempted to be a bit depressed by the small quarters, but right away we rearranged the front room to make room for the keyboard, which is to the right of the picture. I am so blessed to have a husband with a can-do attitude. It goes along way to keep my negativity in check. Thankfully, there are enough cupboards in the kitchen and bath area that we can keep most stuff put away.

Also, the kids have been great. Ethan hasn't complained a bit about sleeping on the floor, but we've tweaked his arrangement to the brown chair you see there... last night worked pretty well. We put the sofa cushions on top of the chair/ottoman and lay the sleeping bag/pillow on top. It's pretty cozy for a six-year-old. The kids love the park outside the door, the pool and bowling alley down the street.

The day we moved in, I was a little upset, and Rel reminded me that it would be okay. "We can do this, Mom." That girl has a good head on her shoulders. Like her daddy.

We have been reading aloud, On the Banks of Plum Creek by Laura Ingalls Wilder. This, along with the time I spent reading Colossians and Philippians the last few weeks, along with the wonderful time in God's presence at Bridgeway Church, have really sustained my heart.

Here is what I have been pondering lately:
~I don't live here (in Oklahoma City, USA, Earth) permanently. Thankfully, I belong Somewhere Else. This is a great comfort. A great truth. "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head." I must be careful not to place my trust in this "place."

~I don't live in this body permanently, for that matter. My life is belongs to my Redeemer. I am chosen, holy, and dearly loved! Check out these clothes: Colossians 3:12

~Most families of the world TODAY (let alone American pioneers like the Ingalls family) live in much smaller homes/houses/dwellings than the one I have now. Many families with many more kids figure out a way to do this. Mostly, they live outside and don't expect A/C. So we can do this. And we can thrive at it. Even if we can't be at the beach. ;)

~Libraries are truly wonderful, wonderful establishments.

~"Where there is a will, there's a way." Ma Ingalls' wisdom really comes in handy. I was delighted with how this shoe organizer helped solve our clutter problem in the bedroom.

~HGTV and the Food Network are so much fun to watch, especially while working out!



"A thing of beauty is a joy forever" even in a hotel. A potted plant and fruit bowl add a little happy to our room.